


there are many names in history but none of them are ours

by murakamism



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, M/M, Some Fluff, Teen Angst and Reincarnated Soldier Angst lol, Teenage delinquents, a lot of injured and angry eren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 05:12:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4466678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murakamism/pseuds/murakamism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi remembers but Eren doesn't.</p><p>And whether or not he remembers, they are both still haunted by it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	there are many names in history but none of them are ours

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be just cute fluff but my eren feels got in the way lol. rated M for eren's general actions i guess? idek
> 
> **Title is from Richard Siken's poem,[Little Beast](http://community.livejournal.com/theysaid/835680.html).**

Levi comes to him in the dark, while Eren’s nursing his bruised face, knuckles and ego.

The older boy sits next to him, leaving barely any space between their bodies in this tight staircase. Further upstairs is a dusty school attic that no one really uses. Further down they’ll be in sight of everyone else. For now, this tiny quiet space is theirs.

They don’t talk. Eren sits there, almost brooding. He still remembers the faces of the boys that beat him up. He should’ve won that fight but didn’t because he was alone, because taking all three of them at once was a bad idea. Still, to think that he’d be anything but angry when they went on talking about other people like that—

Levi’s hand on his wrist is warm but feather-light.

Eren swallows, realizes that his hands have been squeezed into fists once more. He uncurls his fingers, catches the red crescent-shaped marks on his palms. He looks up and meets Levi’s unwavering gaze.

“You’re an idiot,” Levi says. His tone is so flat that Eren almost bristles again. But this is Levi, and even in the darkness of the stairwell his gray eyes are gleaming. Eren quiets down, listening for what he has to say.

The more he stares, the more Eren wonders if what he sees is really sadness.

“You should learn how to take care of yourself.” Levi’s hand brushes lightly against his hair. Eren frowns yet unconsciously leans into the touch.

“I can patch myself up just _fine_.”

Levi rolls his eyes. “That’s not what I’m talking about. One of these days you’ll end up in the hospital.”

Eren’s jaw is tight.

“That’s not going to happen,” he says. Levi sighs, almost inaudibly, and his fingers leave Eren’s hair. The older boy pulls back. Eren isn’t sure why he feels disappointment.

“Promise me,” Levi says, voice rising. Eren recognizes it not as a request but rather as a command. The tone is instantly painfully familiar—Eren isn’t sure why—and he nods in earnest, because if Levi asks for something he will definitely give it.

“I promise you I won’t get beaten up that bad,” Eren adds, throwing in a cheeky grin. Levi knocks him lightly on the back of the head and Eren laughs, laughs hard even though his cheeks are aching.

“No need to pout, Levi.”

Levi raises a brow. “Pout? I don’t fucking pout.”

“And now it’s gone,” Eren says, voice overly-crestfallen. He makes an exaggerated frown and falls forward. Levi scoots back but he catches the older student and buries his face into Levi’s shoulder anyway.

They’re quiet again. Eren shifts his head so his cheekbone isn’t digging into Levi’s shoulder blade.

“Tell me you’re serious,” Levi speaks up. He clears his throat. “Tell me you’ll keep your promise.”

Eren sighs and shuts his eyes, blindly patting Levi’s knee.

“I won’t break my promise, Levi,” Eren assures him, voice petering out into softness.

He is fifteen, and at fifteen he’s not sure why Levi thinks it matters.

 

 

Eren doesn’t remember.

Sometimes Levi still has trouble waking up from his nightmares, trouble discerning a past reality from the current one. He sees things other people don’t see, remembers memories that must be forgotten.

Levi closes his eyes and sees flashes of red and brown and black. He cannot count the deaths that make him sick. He heaves up stomach acid some mornings, then coughs and cries and shakes.

In another time, Levi had been raised to kill or be killed.

In another time, he had been Humanity’s Strongest, and yet it wasn’t enough to win the war or to save the people that meant the most to him—

Saving them only ever equated to delaying their fate.

He has trouble with it sometimes. A single stray punch aimed at him makes his old instincts flare up. In the first life he’d been a thug and then a soldier. In this one he’s a seventeen-year-old delinquent.

He supposes there are some things he can’t completely shake off.

Levi remembers but Eren doesn’t.

On bad days Levi thinks it’s cruel, ultimately cruel that he’s the only one suffering, remembering, living and re-living two lives through flashes of memory. If this is a punishment for old sins then he still knows people who deserve the same, if not worse.

Then on other days Levi recognizes it as mercy. He would not wish this on Eren.

It’s not perfect, but there is no war, and Levi thinks they can start with that.

 

 

In this new world, Eren still loses himself to his anger.

It’s worse.

He sees the injustice, the inhumanity, and then his blood boils and his fists speak for themselves.

He is sixteen, and the world seems horribly, horribly cruel.

He blacks out often and comes back bloody. He blacks out often and comes back with a loss. He’s a problem child, people say. A troubled teen, a stupid delinquent, a boy who does not think—he will grow up into a monster.

Eren grits his teeth because rumors have never been kind to him. What does he care about the yapping mouths of strangers? His friends know the truth.

And how can he not intervene? How can he not fight? If you cannot fight then you cannot win. If you cannot win then you will _die_.

Eren doesn’t know where the idea comes from, but it emerges from deep within him. He’s not sure if he got it from a book or a tv show or something his father might have said—all that matters is that it resonates within his beating heart.

He might be an average teenage boy in an average city but he sincerely feels death ringing in his bones.

He doesn’t understand why. All that he knows is—

This is what he has chosen to believe in.

And on one day where he has gone particularly berserk—he hates this word because it is true; he has definitely lost control, and isn’t that frightening?—Levi presses an ice pack against his swollen eye because Eren’s hands are shaking too hard to do it himself.

The older boy’s mouth is in a deep scowl. He looks at Eren’s injuries with disapproval. Eren knows that the next day whoever beat him up this time is going to get something much worse on their plate. But he’s quiet about it. He’s not sure if Levi knows that he knows. And why he lets Levi go on with this, he’s not sure.

He knows Levi doesn’t care about finishing what Eren started. He knows Levi just wants to show people that they must not hurt _Eren_.

Eren isn’t sure why he deserves such a friend, really.

“Oi, Eren,” Levi says, pressing the ice pack particularly hard against a bruise. Eren winces, his eyes instantly meeting Levi’s narrowed glare.

“Yeah?” he asks, and finds that his voice has gone weak and hoarse.

“Did you honestly think that kid’s life was worth more than yours? That you had to go this far again?” Levi hisses. His other hand is clenched into a fist at his side.

“Yes.” Eren’s voice shakes.

Levi blinks, his anger simmering into confusion. His fist uncurls and the pressure of the ice pack against Eren’s eyelid lessens. The older boy’s eyes widen and his jaw falls slack—not necessarily open but Eren sees the subtle easing of his muscles anyway.

Levi’s shoulders fall.

“No,” Levi says, voice steely. Hot tears begin to prickle behind Eren’s eyes and he blinks them away. Levi swallows. “No, Eren, it isn’t. You’re not carrying the fucking weight of humanity on your shoulders.”

And then in a whisper that’s almost simply mouthed, Levi adds: “Not anymore.”

Eren doesn’t get it.

“So?” he asks. “I know I’m not some kind of... _superhero_ or something but... I can’t help it. I don’t know why, Levi. It kills me to see—“

Eren stops talking because he isn’t sure how to explain it all.

He’s gotten in fights with more than just kids his age. There are adults too, and older teenagers and literally anyone that makes his mind echo _“monster”_.

Levi sighs. He shuffles the ice pack around and Eren realizes that it’s started melting. The cold hits his skin again and he tries not to pull back.

“I understand,” Levi says succinctly. His eyes are clouded with something like resignation. Still, there is a weight lifted off of Eren’s shoulders. He is somewhat lighter now, so he smiles.

“Thank you, Levi,” Eren says. “For everything.”

If Levi understands, then that is enough.

 

 

Eren isn’t happy about being dragged all the way to the dean’s office again, but as soon as he sees a familiar student sitting and glaring from his seat outside the door, he can’t help but grin.

“Levi!” Eren calls out. Levi’s eyes instantly flick towards him. His glare softens into something like fondness, which only makes Eren grin harder. The teacher holding him by the shoulder—just to make sure he wouldn’t run off, they said, which offends Eren to no end because do they really think he’s a _coward?_ —sighs and rubs his nose.

Eventually Eren’s dropped off on the chair next to Levi’s. Eren instantly turns to him, and Levi’s gaze flicks down to his split lip.

“How’d they catch you?” Eren asks, half in disbelief and half in good humor. Levi huffs, brows rising in a pointed look.

Eren doesn’t stop smiling.

Levi’s somewhat aware that the receptionist—a kind woman named Petra who seems to have taken a liking to both of them, despite everyone else in the administration avoiding them like the plague—is observing them from behind her computer, but he focuses all his attention on Eren.

“Smith’s the only one with enough balls to force me here for cutting class,” Levi mutters. Eren laughs.

“Hey, he’s usually pretty nice. What did you do to piss him off?”

Levi doesn’t reply. Eren shrugs it off.

“Mr. Fritz isn’t in right now,” Petra speaks up. Both boys look at her. She smiles at them warmly. “I can log you both in and just call you back once he’s returned. In the meanwhile, you can both go back to class.”

Levi knows she will do no such thing.

“Thanks, Petra!” Eren exclaims, returning her offer with a bright smile. He knows what she means by this, and he still doesn’t know why she does it but he is not ungrateful.

“You’re welcome,” she replies, waving them away. “Now get back to class.”

“Yes, ma’am!”

Levi thanks her with a small nod, and then stalks off with Eren at his heels.

After that day’s class ends Eren bounds up the rooftop to find Levi sitting against the fence. The older boy looks up from the paperback in his hands.

“Class just ended,” Eren declares, breathless. He’s still panting after running through the corridors and up the rooftop stairs.

“I heard the bell,” Levi replies. Eren approaches and plops down next to him with a big sigh. Levi carefully eyes him over the edge of his book.

They’re quiet.

A cool breeze ruffles their hair, their clothes, and the pages of Levi’s book. Eren leans against the fence and looks up at the clear blue sky. Three birds fly past them, beating their wings silently against the wind.

Eren closes his eyes.

He is lulled to sleep.

 

Eventually he wakes. Eren’s eyes are heavy but they blink open anyway. His head is pressed against something that definitely doesn’t feel like the fence. There’s also a soothing motion that feels like someone idly running their hands through his hair. Eren still hovers between sleep and wakefulness. All that registers to him is that this is pleasant.

He hums and realizes that his neck has gone stiff.

“Go home, Eren,” Levi says. Eren groans and sits up, burying his face into his hands. He wipes away his grogginess and lowers his hands to see Levi looking at him, mildly amused.

Eren makes an indecipherable noise.

“Fine,” he finally says, rubbing his eyes. “But at least walk home with me.”

“So demanding,” Levi says, his voice flat and laced with insult, but he stands up anyway.

They walk home together. They run into a group of girls while Eren’s mid-ramble, and the girls look at them like they’re confused as to what it is they see.

Levi stares down at them and they look away.

Eren just doesn’t know why everyone’s so confused that they’re friends.

Everything is fine for a while, as it always is.

 

 

Eren is seventeen when he goes to Levi with tearstained cheeks and bloody hands.

Levi has seen this scene many different times before. Eren is not always the same when he stands there before him; sometimes he is a child, sometimes a man, sometimes a soldier, sometimes a student—

But he is Eren the same.

“Do you know what those fuckers tried to do to Mikasa?” he asks, voice raspy as Levi leads him into his empty house. Eren grits his teeth and Levi has to tug him particularly harshly into the bathroom.

“She’s _nine_ ,” Eren continues. “She’s my nine-year-old sister. How could they... How _dare_ they?”

“Where is she now?” Levi asks, his hands steady as he reaches for the bandages. Eren doesn’t see him; he glares at the space above Levi’s shoulder and the older boy can only wish this second life didn’t have to be like this too.

“Safe,” Eren replies. “She’s safe now. But I—“

Eren swallows. “She’s resting at home.”

“She’s lucky to have you,” Levi says. Eren’s head whips towards him and his eyes are burning with a familiar heartache that Levi has seen over and over: from behind bars in a dark dungeon while his hands are chained like an animal or a prisoner; in a dark room where only the lamplight is privy to their dark secrets; in their secret spot on the stairs, while Levi has to focus to truly see Eren’s face in the dark; and in a wide field right before Eren brings his hand to his mouth and bares his teeth—

Levi blinks and the image is gone. Eren frowns at him, his brows furrowing in concern.

“Levi?” Eren whispers, his voice almost afraid.

“You did what you had to do,” Levi says. He should be disinfecting Eren’s wounds but instead his hands are frozen and he wonders, wonders how he had been so strong in a previous life.

“Do you know what I’ve done?” Eren whispers, his eyes wide.

Levi cannot look away.

“Yes.”

A single breath and then another sentence from Levi’s lips: “I would have done the same.”

“Levi,” Eren whispers. He leans forward and a small smile spills onto his lips. The laugh that emerges is one of relief. “Do you think—Do you think we’re really such bad people?”

Levi gently runs his thumb along the line of Eren’s jaw. There’s still an old cut along the brunet’s eyebrow. Eren leans into the touch.

“There are worse people,” Levi tells him. “We both know this.”

Eren is quiet.

“And as long as there is nothing you regret, then is it all that terrible?” Levi asks. He wishes he were a better person sometimes, but then does Eren need a better person? Does Eren need him?

Eren smiles.

He wheezes out another laugh and surges forward. Their foreheads knock together and Levi blinks in surprise. Eren’s face is so close that he can feel the younger boy’s breath against his skin.

“Are we really the same?” Eren asks.

“We are,” Levi replies. “But it doesn’t always have to be—“

Eren shakes his head. “I’m sorry I’ve always been trouble for you.”

“You aren’t.”

“You always end up having to take care of me even though I promised you to stop doing this, all those years ago.”

“So you actually remember? You’re being a shithead on purpose?”

Eren laughs again, which surprises Levi once more.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, you aren’t.”

Levi will always forgive him. How can he not, when he understands it as well? There are monsters inside both of them, monsters not simply carried from their previous lives, but also born and grown with this one.

In every reincarnation, Levi knows he will love Eren.

But he cannot always protect him.

“I really am. I’m sorry I can’t keep my promise.” Eren looks at him with too many years reflected in those green eyes. Levi wonders if he remembers, if Eren only dismisses them as dreams or fancies.

Whether or not he remembers, they are both still haunted by it.

“I understand,” Levi says, and ends it at that. He buries a fist in Eren’s collar and then a hand in the brunet’s hair. He yanks Eren down with too much force and presses their mouths together.

Eren goes slack against him.

He returns the kiss with enthusiasm. Levi finds himself responding like clockwork. This is familiar. Eren kisses the same way he used to do back when they were soldiers.

Levi finds himself grinning.

A warm hand settles on one of his own—the one gripping Eren’s shirt like a lifeline. He pulls back and takes a moment to breathe. Eren’s eyes are twinkling even underneath the yellow bathroom light.

“Go clean up,” Levi says, releasing Eren. Eren smiles wordlessly. He turns to the sink to wash away the redness from his hands. Levi watches.

“And go see your sister. Make sure she’s really okay,” Levi says, his arms crossed over his chest. Eren turns to look at him.

The brunet opens his mouth to speak but Levi interrupts him before he can begin. “She loves you. She will never be afraid of you.”

Eren needs more people like that, Levi thinks.

Eren shuts his mouth. He absentmindedly dabs at a cut on his cheek.

“Right.” He nods.

Levi only stares at him until Eren eventually huffs. When he finishes cleaning himself up he presses a light kiss on Levi’s mouth and pulls back with a grin.

“See you later, Levi. And thanks.”

“Get out of here,” Levi says. Eren snorts and exits.

Levi hopes that Eren’s remembered to clean up his mess. And if he hasn’t, it’s not too late.

This second chance at life isn’t perfect; they still have these dark things breeding inside both of them, ready to lash out any moment.

But there is no war. They are free to shape their lives in any way they choose.

Levi thinks that is enough.


End file.
